Sin of the Fathers

2ndUse

From being a Father to understanding my Father

I grew up in a large family of five kids, three boys and two girls ; born in this gender order.
Names from oldest to youngest were  Bill, Mike, John, Susan, and Katy. We were all born pretty much one right after another with a break of a couple of years between number four, Susan, and number five, last born, Katy.

Going out as a family was always tense, especially with Dad. I truly learned to prefer staying at home rather than going to the outside world from my experiences growing up with my family. I realize that it is a lot to try and herd five young children. The way it worked with us is first Mom would manage all, unless someone wasn’t behaving properly. When she was exhausted Dad stepped in and he always seemed angry. I recognize that Mom and Dad had limited resources and experiences--both came from only-children families. I still wonder why they chose big family life, I guess they wanted something they didn’t have growing up.
 
The big laugh came when John, at age about 5, was left behind during a family event. Actually it wasn’t very funny when I realized the fear in my parents. John, the middle child, has always been the quiet one of the bunch, however when he speaks it is generally worthy of a good listen. The punch line "Where is John?" is now used as a device to alert all for a count.
 
Also as background, it is worth mentioning that I was the oldest and as soon as possible my parents recruited me to watch over my brothers and sisters.

As a father, I now have a family of four with the first two quite a bit older from my wife’s first marriage--Sarah and Annie.

Rebecca and I have had two more girls together pretty much one right after another--Maddie and Maura.

I have always enjoyed watching my wife parent and be Mom. She has a calmness and a trusting in resolve that I admire. She is developing and practicing a new way, foreign to me, to be parent.

I was home with Maura, age seven, who needed to vent some of her abundant energy, so I sent her to harvest some tomatoes from the garden. She was outside for a bit when suddenly fear welled up in me, something fierce.  I screamed out the kitchen window, "Maura where are you.?"

In stride, not even acknowledging my out burst, she said, "Here Daddy!" and lifted her hand as a visual for me from behind a tomato plant.

Photo of "I am here Daddy" Maura's hand raised in the Garden.

At that moment I was able to empathize with my Father’s panic; seemingly for no good reason at the time. I now am a Father, and have been taught by my father, who was taught by my father's father, to react with fear. Fear may well be an innate mechanism to guarantee  responsibility for one's own offspring's well being.

I must confess that I do not completely reject these confines as protector, and the use of the fear mechanism to keep one's family safe; or maybe it is too late for me to find the new way. 

I am convinced that we live in too much fear as parents, with all the tragedies we share on a global scale experienced through the social and media networks.   

My hope is that my children find the new way.